The Frozen Flame

She was in my dream...

2007-06-24T18:56:25Z

Last night i had a dream that kinda tripped me out. So ill talk a little about it so that i can always remember it by looking on here.

I was on this huge boat in a river going to this city that i apparently lived in. There was a wall of trash about 25 feet high surrounding the city, and using the boat was the only way in. The boat was some sort of oil tanker.

Anyway. I got home and felt like some sort of disaster happened. I was in the future From what it seemed because all of my tvs were technologically advance as well as everything. Everything was darker than it usually was. I went to my parents room and all of my parents and siblings pictures where all in this room completely covering the floor.

I figured everyone that i loved was dead. I went to the bathroom and took a shower where there was a tv in the shower and i was watching a news channel that i didnt watch for very long. All i got out of it was that This giant city was the last city left. I changed the channel by saying a number out loud. I didnt know if it was going to work, but it did.

When i was done i went outside and to a cafe. This city was nothing like Simi. I felt like i was in the most beautiful city in the world. Somewhere in france. I was went inside this cafe and sat around the bar area. Two people sat right next to me. On my right was a male about my age. And on the left was..... her. I didnt look at her, but i could just tell by her presence.

I had to answer my phone so i went outside and sat on a red bench under a maple tree. The trees that i was used to seeing from when i used to go to my grandparents house every other weekend. I get off of the phone and hear people coming through the door of the cafe. I was looking directly at this person but a light blinded my eyes. It was like the entire city was a silhouette and her body was a bright light. She came closer and the light started to die down. It WAS her. She sat on my leg and put her arms around my neck and whispered "Dont you leave me again....i love you too much jake". And then she kissed my lips and as she did, all of my hard work and persistence of trying to keep her off of my mind and out of my life crumbled. Crumbled to dust. I couldnt move, i couldnt do anything, and i loved her for it.

I woke up. I took a big breath. My eyes teared up. And i couldnt go back to sleep. I was stuck thinking about her.

All that time trying to forget about her.

And now i have a dream about her.

Why does my brain work this way?

first pic of indy in his costume ....FINALLY!!!!!!

2007-06-23T00:04:31Z

pictures

2006-12-14T17:31:15Z

So here are the very first pictures to pirates of the carribean 3.

and....

As you can see, chow yun fat has some crazy ass make up on. Im excited.

and here is a picture of what i want my hair to look like.

This is the lead singer of a band that i like. He is a crazy canadian guy.

thats it for now.

peace out.

Is it there?

2006-11-24T08:11:11Z

Do i chase something that doesnt even really exist?

Are the pictures in my mind false?

We were together the other night. That is true. Not false.

The feeling was true as well. For both of us....im not so sure. But i will lean towards a yes.

Did i mess up?

Not that night. Thats for sure.

As a matter of fact, that was one of the happiest nights ive had in a long long time.

That was true happiness. All of the days that i thought were happiness were merely shells of happiness with nothing inside them except for the cold darkness that still haunted my heart.

i longed for this happiness.

Its what i have been missing.

It is what has made me so incomplete.

I didnt know what it was for the longest time.

But now i do.

Thank you.

You know who you are.

Thank you.

when is too much really too much?

2006-11-22T00:34:44Z

You will know when you find your true love. When no one else even compares to your true love. When you try and find another, but you are not even close to being half as happy as you were. The constant smile. The constant happiness. When everything is the best it can be. Once you lose that ....... who knows if you can ever get that back. Who knows.

I know a lot of people would like to see me happy. A LOT of people. But its not up to them if im happy or not, its up to me. Its up to my actions and my will power.

what the hell am i saying. i dont even know anymore. all i know is that i want to be happy.

bridel black bones

2006-11-12T06:47:57Z

So i ended the girl situation that i had.

It was making me depressed.

Saving myself will be the sadest songs in my music library.

---------------------

Work is going well.

I have been making the most i ever had in a short amount of time.

So hopefully my ps3 will be bought shortly after its release.

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My phone snapped in half a couple of days ago.

So no texts or phone calls for a while.

Hah, and my plan was up in april.

yikes!!!

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I want to find my perfect girl.......

the hostess girl like me and tony hahaha.

2006-11-11T09:09:29Z

dying would be an awefully great adventure.

shoot the secret bang bang!

2006-11-08T00:34:46Z

I dont want to have secrets anymore.

I have too many of them now.

And they are tearing me apart.

holy raging vagina licker batman

2006-11-07T01:07:56Z

This girl in my class kept getting a head mesage from my friend and so i made fun of her and called her a lesbian for making the noises she made.

hah. she told me that she would be for a night as long as i was there supervising.

she was serious.

yeah just a normal day in the life of me.

wait, why am i still here?

when the tide comes.

2006-10-22T04:34:00Z

today i was talking to my friend katie at work and i guess i sounded like a suicide case because she was really worried. hmm. thats not good. I didnt mean to sound like that. I am depressed but im not done with life.

I finally made time to draw today. It felt great. I drew two pictures. They arent that good, but thats because i am a little rusty.

Im in a type of mood where i dont want to be awake because of my depression. I just want to sleep and hope that this will all fix itself. But then again, i have very unhealthy dreams.... but some are so incredible. Ive shared a couple of my dreams a long long time ago when i actually used to use this thing. But yeah, i am going to try and start using it more. hah. we'll see how that goes.

I just want my true love so that i can start living my life for the rest of my life early. yeah. or just someone that will help me through the now. you know? yeah.

What is this crap. im not even excited to see any of the movies that are out right now. I MUST be in a bad mood. This song Rainy Monday has a happy beat, but the song is sad. I love this band.

Yeah i need some arms to reach out to me.

Goodnight.....

So what else is new jakeyboyyyyy?

2006-10-21T06:50:44Z

I have incredibly bad luck. Why do you always do this to yourself. I dont know i just snap and things go the way of the lesser me. Well thats no excuse. Rip apart brain. Pick something and go with it. I want to crack you open myself most of the time to make you just a little less indecisive. And of course that wouldnt be good either. Your more than in my head. You are the one. Your more than in my head. Yet you are so far from me, but so close. On a mental plain, your pretty much at the other end (if there is an end anyway). I dont want to be alone again. What happened to my angel that was looking after me........ yeah, i remember now. the atomic bomb that i just happened to be tampering with exploded. hah. dead angel. great. so where do i get another one ahhahaha. eeoohhh. never go away. I dont get you. I cant forget what you've forgotten all along. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant predict what you are going to do because you dont act like any other angel. So why (if you really are an angel) did you make me feel so bad? yeah. well i did everything i could to try and make that not so, but that didnt work. So i told you that i understood and i left you alone. but you got mad? yikes. either way, i still didnt talk to you. and i still havent. that probably was a mistake that i am going to regret forevereverevereverveevrevrevrevrervevrvevrververevvrvrevrvevrvervvrrvrrrrrr.

So lets try and get a normal post goin now.

I am a waiter at applebees. I pay rent and bills and whatever else i need to pay. I need to be a waiter somewhere where i can actually make some money because this sucks.

I want to save up money for the ps3. who doesnt right? Yeah well it comes out in november and i dont have any money because of all the shit i had to pay off. i want to kill someone. i guess you could say that i want it really bad.

I sometimes wonder how people judge me and what they think about me. But i have been getting better and better at not caring at all. Just like the old days. Back when i was the king. hahaha.

I feel like for every 1 time i make myself feel good, there are 10 more times that i make myself feel like shit. But then again, it is starting on winter time.

Lets talk about winter time,.....basically it is bad luck time for good ole jakeyboy here. Not a good time. But the cuddling that comes from winter is always the best and seems to dissintigrate the pain.

...............so basically i need a cuddling partner.

Dont comment to that part. I kill you.

"im the type of guy who would cut your face just to see you smile." - Me.

ryhmes with hunt.

2006-10-12T22:10:27Z

fuck you. what makes you even think i would. yeah fuckin right. i should kill you and everyone you know.

Dont cry out.

2006-09-21T18:55:04Z

where were you when i derailed? you werent close enough to me, thats for sure. you werent there to feel the motion of disaster. you werent there to visualize the tragedy. you werent there to hear the screams of thousands of passengers. but with all of those passengers, there was one that wasnt scared. i didnt know who this person was. the brightness coming from this person made it so that i could not define them. but they came to me through the panic and the fear. an angel i decided. an angel come to save me from the chaos. they took me by the hand and took me away. and so i was saved. but how do you repay an angel. ill tell you how........you repay an angel with your life.

oh and i do quote

2006-08-24T06:45:36Z

Hahahahaha pathetic.

time to die.

2006-08-18T17:05:26Z

So i finally found out what happened with the girl and now im pissed.

surprising

2006-08-11T16:01:02Z

Wow yesterday was a pretty damn good day.

cloudmann @ 2006-07-31T23:33:00

2006-08-01T06:33:43Z

everyone hates me.

tick..tick..tick...

2006-07-29T21:31:24Z

I have been ticking for a long time and still no explosion. I think the bomb inside of me has died. I actually might of accomplished my goal that i decided to make when i was younger. I think i have changed....and i hate it. I want to be me again. hahaha there goes that goal. Im too nice now. i always think of other people before i think of myself.

FUCK YOU. None of you matter to me anymore.
None of you matter to me until i matter something to myself.

In the words of Johhny cash....

2006-07-24T07:36:19Z

Ive been everywhere man.

Friends only.

2006-06-25T06:28:20Z

Friends only from now on.
give me a good reason to add you and i might just do that.

cloudmann @ 2006-06-23T10:35:00

2006-06-23T17:38:03Z

I fucking hate girls. hate hate hate hate hate hate them. I mean there are few that are cool, but most of them are rediculous. If any of you find/ or know of any girl that is good enough to hang with me then tell me as soon as possible. because im seriously about to give up on girls.

cloudmann @ 2006-06-08T17:16:00

2006-06-09T00:25:34Z

Jairo was madish at me.
im glad i cleared everything up last night.
i fucking hate girls.
dont they understand that i want time to myself.
retards.
i dont want to be with you, or you, or you, or anyone.
thats the fact jack.
i see a shrink tonight.
luck.
dont need one for a shrink.
six flags was fun.
i didnt want to wait in the lines though.
the newest rides are amazing.

*Im bought the fifth element on superbit dvd and i am going to watch it right now. I never realized how much i cared for this movie until i watched again two days ago. It has got to be one of my favorite movies of all time. This movie makes me feel something that i thought was lost a long time ago. And i am glad to have found this happy thought again. It takes me back to my very high standards of wanting true love like in this movie. I would save the world over and over again to find that type of love.

cloudmann @ 2006-05-29T01:49:00

2006-05-29T08:50:02Z

I feel like i am dead inside.
goodbye.

cloudmann @ 2006-05-27T10:11:00

2006-05-27T17:14:12Z

I want to kill you with my bare hands so bad.

cloudmann @ 2006-05-15T07:46:00

2006-05-15T14:47:03Z

Fuck it i quit at life goodbye.